performance follows identity for your own kids, too

Growing into better home-leaders for our children often has more to do with managing ourselves than managing them. As at work, failures are inevitable. The most important thing that determines what your child learns from a moment of adversity is your reaction. That’s because parenthood is comprised of so many acts of faith: you have to trust your kids to grow in order for them to trust themselves to grow. When strong relationships are built on trust and praise, everyone is more confident about pushing themselves, because there’s always a support structure to lean on. 

If your son is arrested for underage drinking, it’s going to be a struggle to find something to praise him for, but there will never be a more important time to recognize the good choices he did make, surrounded by friends with even more questionable judgment. Finding something good amidst the bad in that moment—and making it clear you expect more of that from him in the future—will speak louder than any scolding or screaming match. 

Likewise, if your daughter comes out of the closet and introduces a girlfriend you absolutely can’t stand, if you can concentrate on telling her you’ve always admired her ability to be true to herself, no matter what, she will replay that moment in her mind for the rest of her life. She’ll draw strength from it personally and professionally, in challenging times that you may never even know she’s facing. Performance follows identity, and you will have given her the encouragement and praise to keep her identity as someone who’s “true to herself, no matter what” firmly fixed throughout her life. 

-ben