apologies, reconsidered

When I first started managing people, I apologized too much and I apologized for the wrong things. A thing I was doing a lot was saying, “I’m sorry” for having power.

When you’re a leader, you have power. Having power is an uncomfortable thing for many, so much so that they will do funky stuff to pretend as if they do not. This is usually not very convincing - people see it for what it is: someone with power pretending they do not in fact have power. 

This is a doubly missed opportunity.

People tend to emulate their leaders. It can be challenging to get them to emulate the specific behaviors you want - sometimes it seems like they cherry pick the ones you’re least proud of. 

One thing you’re modeling at pretty much all times is “how we use power around here.” If the model is, “tie yourself in a knot pretending you don’t in fact have it,” you’re likely to see folks you lead doing the same with whatever measure of power they have. 

Instead, it seems more useful to me to model a humane, effective, equitable use of power. You gather info, you make clear decisions, you solicit and visibly appreciate feedback, you set and maintain high standards, you make moves to support your people and unlock new levels and modes of power for them. 

You don’t apologize for any of that, so long as you’re doing it in accord with your team’s values, the law, and precepts of decency. Any time you do that stuff - or anything else - in violation of values, law, and decency, you definitely do apologize. 

-Eric